follow my voice, let me carry you away*

Spill it.   i'm the girl who wore her broken wings with an angel's grace.

who am i? i’m living breathing proof.

it’s been a month since i last updated. it’s amazing how much can happen in a month, a day, a week, an hour, or even a minute. i’ve been struggling again but what if life without a little struggle every now and then to let you know you’re still alive. nothing is getting easier but it’s not getting any better. it still feels as if time is standing still yet everyone around me is happening so fast. i have been forgotten about by some people but to be honest, i been enjoying the time being alone. i get to cruise around in my new car and blast some tunes while i enjoy some cigarettes, i been spending time reading and thinking of new ways to be creative. i even been gaming on new consoles i never dreamed of gaming on. i been trying new things and hanging out with people i would never expect to hang out with. i’ve been getting better at my job and seem to impress myself more and more each day with how well i run the bakery, it made me branch out on job searching as well.

i’ve made a new friend who has helped me a lot over the past couple weeks and he is such an amazing individual i can’t help but like him. he’s funny, intelligent, and talented. he’s sarcastic, giddy, and sometimes odd. he’s extremely attractive and driven. what is there not to like about someone like that? as usual, when friendships like this ensue i will end up being friendzoned but as long as he’s a part of my life, i’ll be happy. it’s been hard to let anyone in since my mom died but after all i been through, he thinks i’m one of the strongest most bravest woman he’s ever met and that’s what makes me feel better. i just needed someone to care, needed a friend to actually take the time to make sure i was okay and cared about my best interest. i guess from here on out, only time can tell what will happen but of course, i have to not be so pushy as i have been in past relationships.

i guess this has been a year of change and so far, everything is changing. i am changing. i just hope i can continue pushing forward with no more road blocks, but more detours that end up being an adventure.

— 3 months ago
how did i think you were heaven when you put me through hell.

dear cjb:

why do i always think of you, when i shouldn’t? why can’t i forget about you as easily as you forgot about me? everything i see, touch, or listen to reminds me of you. some days i forget, some days it hits me all over again. i know i don’t love you anymore since i don’t know you anymore, i just love the person you were. i loved all the memories we made, all the good times we had, and how easily we got along and how we made sense. everything made sense with you. my future, my past, and that present time made sense. everything was so easy with you, except the distance but i was willing to change that. we were willing to change everything but you just gave up so easily.

how could you fool me for so long and make me believe that you were different? how could lead me on to something you couldn’t even follow through with? how could you lie to my face the way you did? i will never understand how you just gave me up when i was your dream girl. you knew you would never find anyone like me ever again and i could never replace you. i promised you i never would. i promised you i would never fall in love again and no matter who i ended up with it would never be the same because it wouldn’t be you. i still haven’t. i have never broken a single promise to you and i wish i could.

why couldn’t you just be honest with me from the beginning? did something i say or do scare you off completely or are you too wrapped up in what others say to you to make you believe them? who put different views about me into your head? who made you give us up? they were so fucking wrong, but you believed them and not me. you’re so fucking foolish and such a child. a man wouldn’t give up on someone he supposedly loved. a man would fight for it no matter what the consequences were. a man would grow a pair and do whatever he could to keep the person they loved around. next time you call yourself a man, you’d better think twice.

you told me this was for the better, but i will never understand how when you are all i think about. all i care about and all i wonder about. it’s stupid how much i still care about you even if you are a total stranger. it’s stupid i can’t forget you and it’s fucking stupid that i ever let myself become so open and vulnerable to you. you stole a huge piece of me when you left me. a piece i will never get back. how do you even sleep at night knowing what you did to me was wrong?

i don’t know how long it will take you fully get over you, but it’s fucking killing me. i hate the fact that i lost my best friend that day too, and i honestly think that’s what i miss the most. we should have just stayed friends but you pushed yourself on me so hard that i couldn’t push you away anymore. i’m such a fool for ever letting you in to begin with.

i know you will never read this or listen to a word i say because you have forgotten all about me by now, but i just want you to know that i miss you. i want you to know how much i still hurt and that i can’t forget you. maybe someday your “God” will give me the strength to get over you but it still hasn’t happened. lastly, i just want you to know that i’ll always be here if you decide to come back. i’ll always be the same person you fell in love with and i’ll always be the one there for you. i wish i could say i hate you, but i don’t even if you put me through hell.

i still wish you all the best.

sincerely, me.

— 5 months ago

the first time i ever sent this song to someone was the first time i ever fell in love, real love that i never thought i’d have. real love i was so sure about that nothing could stand in the way and stop us. for six months i was lied to. i suppose it wasn’t real love at all. although we don’t talk and probably will never again, just know that i have never broken a promise to you, even if you broke your word more times than i can count. i’m sorry you changed. i’m not sorry that i haven’t.

the second time this song popped up, i felt as if it were for someone who i could possibly fall for, but again that was just a lie as well as the previous one. he also broke his word after being the first person i opened up to over the excruciating heartache of a previous break up and the death of my mother. i guess words mean nothing when you have no back up. i guess you were just like the rest of them after all. remember that next time you look at yourself in the mirror.

i’m starting to realize maybe this song isn’t what it’s suppose to mean. maybe it’s telling me i need to stop succumbing into being cupid’s victim and be cupid’s enemy. it’s becoming quite clear more and more each day i’m suppose to be alone. i’m suppose to be the lone ranger. to stand for what i once believed in once again. years ago i believed i was suppose to be a strong independent woman ruling her life the way she chooses without a man by her side. maybe i’m suppose to continue to be that way and stop falling for lies, manipulation, and shallowness. stop falling for people who are self absorbed, immature, and flat out stupid. to stay away from it, to overcome it, and to distance myself.

from here on out, the opposite sex is dead to me. time to become what i’ve should have been years ago. i don’t need anyone else to love me, i already love myself and that is all i need.

— 5 months ago
knock me down, you know i’m coming right back.

recently i have felt that up until just a couple years ago my love life has been backwards. at 12 years young i had puppy love yet i was treated like a battered dog. he left me with not only bruises and scars on my body but my ego, pride, and emotions. he turned me into something i never thought i could become at an early age. he stole my innocence, my strength, my teenage years, and my youth. after a long 5 years it ended, my heart was torn but after a few weeks i was more relived then anything. i picked myself back up and finally got to grow up, move on, start over, and hoped to find someone who would treat me better than i deserved.

fast forward to a year and half later. i fell hard for someone who lived on the other side of the country though our meeting seemed too ironic. although we were young, i feel like i had it all figured out with planning trips, working a ton to get the cash to travel, times to talk on the phone and or video chatting, which was way before skype and stickam. after only 7 months, we became engaged and it was moving so fast i could hardly keep up. for the longest time i was so set on the idea of being in love that i forgot to actually fall in love. somehow it lasted close to 4 years, which most people thought we’d last no longer than a year. towards the final weeks of the relationship, it became too difficult to overcome and everything that seemed so right felt so wrong. bottled up emotions and lies finally surfaced and he decided to leave me so he could grow up. i was devastated and everything i wanted with him got thrown out the window. he seemed more like my high school sweetheart i never got to experience during high school, and we all know that every love isn’t a high school romance.

for four years after that break up i lived in vein. i lived a lifestyle that was more lustful from anything i ever experienced. at the time i thought i was just having fun but that fun soon turned into mistake after mistake after mistake. i had more one night stands than a paid hooker and i just barely turned 22 years old. i had a few relationships during this time but nothing that lasted more than 3 months and i never opened up to them in any way shape or form. i hid my feelings and made sure no one could ever tear down the wall i had around my heart. i didn’t care about love, i didn’t care about anything more than school, work, and wondering who to hook up with that weekend.

after that party charade, i oddly met someone who i should have never fallen for. someone who was the exact opposite of me, someone who i barely knew, and someone who stole every emotion i ever felt. the relationship only lasted a year but we were so wrong for each other i began talking to other guys to see who i could befriend or hook up with after that one ended since i knew it could end at any time. he emotionally abused me and drained me from every good thing i ever accomplished and constantly made me feel like a worthless human being. saying “i love you” was more of a chore than a feeling and for that entire time it was just empty words with nothing attached to them. instead of breaking up with me, he disappeared into thin air, like literally evaporating into the atmosphere where i never saw/talked/heard from him again even until this day. sometimes i wonder if he is even alive.

toward the end of our relationship i did meet someone. although he was just a friend, i was obviously attracted to him for his good looks and intelligence but could never let myself like him since he lived across the country and i didn’t want to do another long distance relationship. i never actually physically met him either. we texted every day, we gamed together over xbox every chance we could, and skyped when we could. he became my best friend and i could tell him more than anyone should ever know. unlike most, he actually cared, he tried to fix my broken heart from the previous relationship and we actually got to know each other. some things most people don’t have with someone before rushing into a relationship. after 5 months of constant communication and deep conversations he began to tell me things i never heard from anyone i ever had a relationship with, some things i felt were untrue, some things that made me believe for a second that i was actually worth something to someone. around my birthday i was starting to crush hard on this guy and like every other feeling, i kept it bottled up inside. soon after i felt those feelings, he then told me the loved me told these four simple words that always pushed me away, “i’ll wait for you”. whenever someone tells me that automatically makes me want nothing to do with them. so i did what i could to try and force those feelings to go away. i started seeing other guys, drank heavily, and flirted with anyone who looked at me. although i told him not to fall in love with me, he pushed himself harder and harder no matter how hard i tried to get rid of him. when everything else started to crumble around me, he was the only one to stay by my side and i then realized maybe he was something to wait for. after 7 months i finally agreed to meet him and spent the most amazing 5 days with him. everything fell into place and seemed so right that we actually became a couple before he went back home. for the first time in my life, not only was i truly happy and content but i fell in love. not the idea or the feeling or the emotion, but i fell into that kind of love that i could never explain to anyone and i felt like i was on top of the world and the typical cliche of what happens when you fall in love with your best friend. everything was perfect, he was perfect.

after a couple years of being best friends and only six months of dating; every feeling i ever felt, every touch, kiss, expression, promise, and word given soon became nothing but empty words. everything he built me to believe turned into nothing but lies and fooled me the entire time. all the trust, love, and honesty he worked so hard to get just dissolved in seconds. probably one of the worst break up’s i ever experienced.

here i am a year later and it’s still hard for me to trust someone, open up to someone, or even date someone. sure i’ve done a lot of things i’m not proud of but i just couldn’t let myself stoop so low to fall for someone again as i did for him. i didn’t allow myself to move on because deep down i thought we’d be together again. unfortunately, i was the one fooling myself this time. now that i am over everyone who decided to fuck me over, scar me, or fool me…..the jokes on you because you didn’t get the best of me. you temporarily ruined me, but like everything else i picked myself back up and started over, just like i am doing right now.

to everyone who ever wants to get involved with me, consider this; don’t fuck with me, my heart, my feelings, and what i decided to give to you. it’s only you who will get burned in the end. don’t promise me things you can’t keep. don’t follow me if you can’t catch up. don’t make a commitment if you can’t commit and stick around through every hardship, every fight, every tear, and every misfortune that could happen. if you want to break me, you’re the one who’s going to regret it in the end.

— 5 months ago



Leonardo DiCaprio photographed by David LaChapelle

i think about this a lot

(Source: filmchrist, via bennito)

— 5 months ago with 26145 notes
80 days.

it’s been over 80 days that you have been in this house, in your bed, able to hold a conversation, able to laugh and smile, able to think, able to hold your own, able to make a simple room feel like home rather then an entire house. it’s been over 80 days that i have been able to laugh with you, talk with you, go to you for advice, watch movies with you, hug and kiss you, or cry into your arms which is something i did for 8 months before you left me.

when everything is quiet, when everything is calm, when everyone else is sleeping i lay awake crying or thinking about what you’d be doing. which crossword puzzle you’d be solving, which television show you’d be laughing at. i lay awake and think i can just crawl out of bed at any moment and walk over to your room and talk to you, bother you, or even kiss you goodnight even if i have already done so more than a few times.

no one talks to me only because they know i’ll shoot them down and to be honest i’m tired of hearing the same old shit over and over again. no one knows how i feel. no one understands how hard this is to accept. no one will ever know how close we were. i really have no one to turn to anymore and it’s beginning to get to me. the silence gets to me. the lack of your presence gets to me. how can i move on and be happy when the one person who i’ve shared everything with isn’t here to enjoy it with anymore?

i miss my best friend. i have no one else. i haven’t had anyone in so long i guess i’m going to have to learn to be content while being alone. are you even trying to help me, mom? please….help me.

kocham ciÄ™, matka.

— 6 months ago with 1 note
fall back down.

it’s been two months today that my mom has been gone. two months of tears, depression, sadness, and pain. two months of shutting myself out from the world and keeping quiet. two months of trying to figure out where to go from here and two months of trying to make myself smile, even if it were over something stupid and small, like running into the wall as i normally do.

are you even here anymore, mommy? do you hear me talking to you? do you hear me cry out to you? do you wrap your arms around me to comfort me when i wake up from these nightmares? do you hold me while i cry myself to sleep? nothing is the same. i’m not the same. i’m more alone and lost then ever. i can’t walk past your room anymore. i have no one to run to when i need a shoulder to cry on, words of advice, or even someone to laugh with. i’m beginning to forget what my laugh sounds like. what your laugh sounded like, what your voice sounded like, how your kisses felt, or the way you’d rub and kiss my arm where your tattoo is. i don’t know how much longer i can continue living like this.

there is nothing i can do to numb this pain and i refuse to resort back to old ways just because i’m afraid i’ll do myself in for good and i promised you before you slipped away that i wouldn’t. maybe if i could get those haunting images out of my mind; your cold, lifeless body in my arms out of my thoughts and dreams i’d be fine but they will always be there. they will always be apart of me now. i keep thinking if i tell myself i’m okay, then i actually will be okay but it’s not working. i’m only fooling myself and i already did enough of that.

i wanted the start of this new year to be different but i just can’t. i can’t move on. i’m rotting even more than i ever have and it’s eating away at me. i have no one to tell this to anymore.

i need your help again, mom. i need your strength to continue fighting. your courage to keep moving. your bravery to stop being scared. please keep guiding me towards something good, something worth living for, and something that will pick me up again. i been knocked out, beat down, black and blue since january 19 2013, and i’m tired of it.

please mommy, one last time, help your little girl out. i love you.

— 6 months ago

it was not christmas. no tree, no lights, no presents. just tears, heartache, and memories. they say memories never die, however they make you remember when times were good, happy, and filled with love. cherish those memories i will but it doesn’t help. it only makes things more painful. at some point i’m sure it will ease up but i’ll never feel better, i’ll never be the same. it will always hurt more.

we already had our first thanksgiving without you, mom. it was painful. me and anthony cried all morning. i sat on the floor next to your bed, listening to dad cuss at the turkey and the kids nails clicking on the floor as they scattered under his feet hoping he’d drop something for them to eat. as i sat next to your bed i looked up at where your head would have been remembering the year before when i did the same, as we talked about planning the following years’ events, sipping our coffee and listening, sometimes glancing at the parade on tv. i watched the parade and tried to get excited for the floats we both loved to see, especially santa at the end. i remember how you were just as excited as i was because you felt the same way, always giving us the best christmas possible even if we were broke.

luckily last year i tried my hardest to give you the best christmas possible, even if we were alone. we had each other and that’s all that mattered.

the firsts are the hardest and these are only two holidays down, we still have birthday’s, easter, and mother’s day. we have life without you, mom. words will never be able to describe how hard it is. i thought i lost everything in january but i was so wrong, i lost everything when you left. i lost my best friend, my rock, my shield, and the only person to love me unconditionally. you were the only one to want me, you wanted me for 12 years and you had me for 26 years. i will always be your baby girl but life doesn’t make sense anymore without you around; your wit, your love, your heart.

it pains me to know that i wasn’t here with you last year for new years, and i would have been if i knew it would have been our last together. i’m sorry i pushed you away a little while my heart was broken but now it’s even worse.

i wish there were a countdown with the days i’ll have to wait to see you again but i don’t know when that will be. what i do know is that when it comes, it’ll be the happiest day of my life and i hope you and steve are waiting for me at the gates. i love you mommy.

sleep in heavenly peace.

— 7 months ago
break me down, shake me up. i’ve had enough.

my biggest passion has turned into what i now despise, however i feel like it’s the only thing that will save me now. i know everyone i’m close to thinks that they can but the reality is no one can help me. you can’t fix the broken, they need to learn to figure it out on their own. here i am again on my own, fighting, like always.

my rant begins here. at the first of the year i’m deleting my profiles on random dating sites so i can quit my bad habits, cold turkey. no more lustful random sex with strangers, alcohol binges, or depression. time to move on and forget. i don’t mean my mother’s death, but everything else i have been still holding onto, which is the idea of being in love or finding love again with someone i once knew. you cannot find love online, but you can’t keep yourself cooped up rotting away either.

"it was better to have known you for a little while then to have never known you at all."

watching a ridiculous amount of lame teen drama television shows have taught me two things, people always leave and yet sometimes they come back or the previous quote above. although they end up with a happy ending and i feel it’s all a big lie but life is short and in time my own happy ending will turn up…or at least i hope so. i should appreciate everything someone i fell head over heels for has taught me, even if they ended up destroying me. so here’s to you fine young gentlemen for throwing me away. you taught me to pick myself back up and find the good in myself again and to be stronger. you have all told me you’d never give up on me and you have. everyone i have met recently keeps telling me the same thing but thanks to all of you, i can’t believe them. however i don’t feel like i need to believe them right now. maybe in time i will meet someone worth believing but it’s just not now.

i used to wish terrible karma upon all of you but i have had a little change of heart so all i can say is i wish you well. i guess i can’t always be so hateful and angry but if it weren’t for you, i wouldn’t be half the person i am today whether it be the mistakes i made for you and the sacrifices i had to deal with to the things you have all taught me, good or bad. so i thank you, even if you are dead or alive.

this is probably something i should have done a long time ago but one of my biggest flaws is holding onto things and holding grudges. i need to break free from it since i am getting older and all this hurt has just been built up inside of me since i was 17 years old. seems kinda pathetic but shit happens.

right now i am planning for a better future for myself and to do things to make myself and make my mother proud of me. although she is not here to physically share them with me but i know she is still watching me and now i can do what i always dreamed of doing, traveling and leaving this dreaded town behind. a co-worker suggested i take a long vacation, which i have been thinking about doing since my mother passed but now it’s going to be a goal for this upcoming new year.

as much as i hate to admit it but being in california last year was a dream come true and as much as i don’t want to go back, i may end up there again to not relive memories but to make new ones and do the things i’ve wanted to do by myself for a very long time. once i return i want to visit new friends and reconnect with old ones. visit family i never met and even stay with a family member i never got the chance to know. i have been assured i won’t run into familiar faces but there’s only a one in a million chance of that happening since it’s such a huge state but if it did, you will be just another face in the crowd and someone i used to know.

all in all, it’s time to let go. let go of everything and just live. i hope everyone else understands why i’m really pushing them away and how it’s for the better. i can’t be a friend, a girlfriend, a sister, or daughter to anyone when i need to be there for myself. i will eventually be myself again but i don’t want anyone to expect much from me because i don’t expect much from myself. all good things must come to an end.

— 7 months ago
people always leave.

what you are about to read has nothing to do with music, music news or anything i intended this page to be about. who ever comes across this and thinks i’m in trouble, i’m not. i’m okay, i’m alive. barely making it but my heart is still pumping, even if it feels like it is nonexistent anymore.

this year has been the worst. this year did not end up the way i hoped as it did the previous year; happy, loved, and more content then ever. i was in good health, my mother was in good health and i felt like i was on top of the world. here’s the story. in january the love i thought i had and shared with someone completely faltered in the blink of an eye after it took years to achieve. i was devastated, shocked, and depressed. i hoped something would have prevailed, or thought it was a love strong enough to overcome any obstacle but i was wrong and was dropped like a gum wrapper in a sewer left alone and to decay. my heart was shattered, my hopes and dreams died and i suddenly wanted nothing that i wanted previously in life. my view on love altered, i knew right then and there that i would be forever alone.

to get over that heart break i began doing things i have done in the past and things i am not proud to admit. my highlights of the first few months were going bar hopping every weekend, drinking more than my body could handle, smoking whatever could be inhaled, and using people for money or whatever i needed to get a smile or even a chuckle. i began meeting men off of free internet dating sites and using them for sex, more money, food, or even a ride to work. i hurt people who mattered most to me and ignored my family. needless to say i was broken and hit a breaking point i never wanted to hit again.

come summer, i felt invincible yet still broken and no matter what i did, i could not get over that heart break. until something hit me that was harder than all that, my mother became ill and i realized i had more important things to attend to then worry about some idiot who wanted nothing to do with me. it took months of recovery for my mother and even for myself. finally she got to come home and i continued to live my life as i wanted, still a little reckless but not as bad as it was in the winter. sleeping around and drugs were the highlight as i tried to still come home to my family and give them my attention and love that no one else deserved.

now for the the even more life shattering turn of events, my mother became ill again in late september that left her to end the struggle and pass away november 3, 2013 at 4:38pm in me and my brothers arms surround by other loved ones from every point of her life. nothing is more crushing than watching someone you love and live for struggle and fight until the end. if you ever lost a parent, NOT someone you are close to but the person who actually gave you life is different than any other experience you may have had. here i am a month later and still shocked, grieving, and in pain i would never wish upon anybody.

my heart is dead. my mind is clouded. my soul is numb. i will never be the same again. the person you may have knew is gone forever and right now i don’t even know who i am. it’s still new and the day it happened still replays in my mind every time i try to sleep. words cannot truly express how i feel and i have shut myself out from the world, from my friends, from other family members and the only thing i can do daily is get up, go to work and come home to sleep. sometimes even sleeping can be a chore.

i don’t know what will happen to me a year from now, where i’ll be or who i will be but truth be told, i will never be the same. i may lose people or gain people but whoever comes by will only see hurt. if you think i was closed off before, i’ll be worse this time around.

to everyone who hurt me this year, thank you.
to my mother, i hope i see you soon. i love you and miss you more every day. i’m sorry if i didn’t give you what you wanted in the end but i promise i will never disappoint you again.

— 7 months ago