recently i have felt that up until just a couple years ago my love life has been backwards. at 12 years young i had puppy love yet i was treated like a battered dog. he left me with not only bruises and scars on my body but my ego, pride, and emotions. he turned me into something i never thought i could become at an early age. he stole my innocence, my strength, my teenage years, and my youth. after a long 5 years it ended, my heart was torn but after a few weeks i was more relived then anything. i picked myself back up and finally got to grow up, move on, start over, and hoped to find someone who would treat me better than i deserved.
fast forward to a year and half later. i fell hard for someone who lived on the other side of the country though our meeting seemed too ironic. although we were young, i feel like i had it all figured out with planning trips, working a ton to get the cash to travel, times to talk on the phone and or video chatting, which was way before skype and stickam. after only 7 months, we became engaged and it was moving so fast i could hardly keep up. for the longest time i was so set on the idea of being in love that i forgot to actually fall in love. somehow it lasted close to 4 years, which most people thought we’d last no longer than a year. towards the final weeks of the relationship, it became too difficult to overcome and everything that seemed so right felt so wrong. bottled up emotions and lies finally surfaced and he decided to leave me so he could grow up. i was devastated and everything i wanted with him got thrown out the window. he seemed more like my high school sweetheart i never got to experience during high school, and we all know that every love isn’t a high school romance.
for four years after that break up i lived in vein. i lived a lifestyle that was more lustful from anything i ever experienced. at the time i thought i was just having fun but that fun soon turned into mistake after mistake after mistake. i had more one night stands than a paid hooker and i just barely turned 22 years old. i had a few relationships during this time but nothing that lasted more than 3 months and i never opened up to them in any way shape or form. i hid my feelings and made sure no one could ever tear down the wall i had around my heart. i didn’t care about love, i didn’t care about anything more than school, work, and wondering who to hook up with that weekend.
after that party charade, i oddly met someone who i should have never fallen for. someone who was the exact opposite of me, someone who i barely knew, and someone who stole every emotion i ever felt. the relationship only lasted a year but we were so wrong for each other i began talking to other guys to see who i could befriend or hook up with after that one ended since i knew it could end at any time. he emotionally abused me and drained me from every good thing i ever accomplished and constantly made me feel like a worthless human being. saying “i love you” was more of a chore than a feeling and for that entire time it was just empty words with nothing attached to them. instead of breaking up with me, he disappeared into thin air, like literally evaporating into the atmosphere where i never saw/talked/heard from him again even until this day. sometimes i wonder if he is even alive.
toward the end of our relationship i did meet someone. although he was just a friend, i was obviously attracted to him for his good looks and intelligence but could never let myself like him since he lived across the country and i didn’t want to do another long distance relationship. i never actually physically met him either. we texted every day, we gamed together over xbox every chance we could, and skyped when we could. he became my best friend and i could tell him more than anyone should ever know. unlike most, he actually cared, he tried to fix my broken heart from the previous relationship and we actually got to know each other. some things most people don’t have with someone before rushing into a relationship. after 5 months of constant communication and deep conversations he began to tell me things i never heard from anyone i ever had a relationship with, some things i felt were untrue, some things that made me believe for a second that i was actually worth something to someone. around my birthday i was starting to crush hard on this guy and like every other feeling, i kept it bottled up inside. soon after i felt those feelings, he then told me the loved me told these four simple words that always pushed me away, “i’ll wait for you”. whenever someone tells me that automatically makes me want nothing to do with them. so i did what i could to try and force those feelings to go away. i started seeing other guys, drank heavily, and flirted with anyone who looked at me. although i told him not to fall in love with me, he pushed himself harder and harder no matter how hard i tried to get rid of him. when everything else started to crumble around me, he was the only one to stay by my side and i then realized maybe he was something to wait for. after 7 months i finally agreed to meet him and spent the most amazing 5 days with him. everything fell into place and seemed so right that we actually became a couple before he went back home. for the first time in my life, not only was i truly happy and content but i fell in love. not the idea or the feeling or the emotion, but i fell into that kind of love that i could never explain to anyone and i felt like i was on top of the world and the typical cliche of what happens when you fall in love with your best friend. everything was perfect, he was perfect.
after a couple years of being best friends and only six months of dating; every feeling i ever felt, every touch, kiss, expression, promise, and word given soon became nothing but empty words. everything he built me to believe turned into nothing but lies and fooled me the entire time. all the trust, love, and honesty he worked so hard to get just dissolved in seconds. probably one of the worst break up’s i ever experienced.
here i am a year later and it’s still hard for me to trust someone, open up to someone, or even date someone. sure i’ve done a lot of things i’m not proud of but i just couldn’t let myself stoop so low to fall for someone again as i did for him. i didn’t allow myself to move on because deep down i thought we’d be together again. unfortunately, i was the one fooling myself this time. now that i am over everyone who decided to fuck me over, scar me, or fool me…..the jokes on you because you didn’t get the best of me. you temporarily ruined me, but like everything else i picked myself back up and started over, just like i am doing right now.
to everyone who ever wants to get involved with me, consider this; don’t fuck with me, my heart, my feelings, and what i decided to give to you. it’s only you who will get burned in the end. don’t promise me things you can’t keep. don’t follow me if you can’t catch up. don’t make a commitment if you can’t commit and stick around through every hardship, every fight, every tear, and every misfortune that could happen. if you want to break me, you’re the one who’s going to regret it in the end.