what you are about to read has nothing to do with music, music news or anything i intended this page to be about. who ever comes across this and thinks i’m in trouble, i’m not. i’m okay, i’m alive. barely making it but my heart is still pumping, even if it feels like it is nonexistent anymore.
this year has been the worst. this year did not end up the way i hoped as it did the previous year; happy, loved, and more content then ever. i was in good health, my mother was in good health and i felt like i was on top of the world. here’s the story. in january the love i thought i had and shared with someone completely faltered in the blink of an eye after it took years to achieve. i was devastated, shocked, and depressed. i hoped something would have prevailed, or thought it was a love strong enough to overcome any obstacle but i was wrong and was dropped like a gum wrapper in a sewer left alone and to decay. my heart was shattered, my hopes and dreams died and i suddenly wanted nothing that i wanted previously in life. my view on love altered, i knew right then and there that i would be forever alone.
to get over that heart break i began doing things i have done in the past and things i am not proud to admit. my highlights of the first few months were going bar hopping every weekend, drinking more than my body could handle, smoking whatever could be inhaled, and using people for money or whatever i needed to get a smile or even a chuckle. i began meeting men off of free internet dating sites and using them for sex, more money, food, or even a ride to work. i hurt people who mattered most to me and ignored my family. needless to say i was broken and hit a breaking point i never wanted to hit again.
come summer, i felt invincible yet still broken and no matter what i did, i could not get over that heart break. until something hit me that was harder than all that, my mother became ill and i realized i had more important things to attend to then worry about some idiot who wanted nothing to do with me. it took months of recovery for my mother and even for myself. finally she got to come home and i continued to live my life as i wanted, still a little reckless but not as bad as it was in the winter. sleeping around and drugs were the highlight as i tried to still come home to my family and give them my attention and love that no one else deserved.
now for the the even more life shattering turn of events, my mother became ill again in late september that left her to end the struggle and pass away november 3, 2013 at 4:38pm in me and my brothers arms surround by other loved ones from every point of her life. nothing is more crushing than watching someone you love and live for struggle and fight until the end. if you ever lost a parent, NOT someone you are close to but the person who actually gave you life is different than any other experience you may have had. here i am a month later and still shocked, grieving, and in pain i would never wish upon anybody.
my heart is dead. my mind is clouded. my soul is numb. i will never be the same again. the person you may have knew is gone forever and right now i don’t even know who i am. it’s still new and the day it happened still replays in my mind every time i try to sleep. words cannot truly express how i feel and i have shut myself out from the world, from my friends, from other family members and the only thing i can do daily is get up, go to work and come home to sleep. sometimes even sleeping can be a chore.
i don’t know what will happen to me a year from now, where i’ll be or who i will be but truth be told, i will never be the same. i may lose people or gain people but whoever comes by will only see hurt. if you think i was closed off before, i’ll be worse this time around.
to everyone who hurt me this year, thank you.
to my mother, i hope i see you soon. i love you and miss you more every day. i’m sorry if i didn’t give you what you wanted in the end but i promise i will never disappoint you again.