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80 days.

it’s been over 80 days that you have been in this house, in your bed, able to hold a conversation, able to laugh and smile, able to think, able to hold your own, able to make a simple room feel like home rather then an entire house. it’s been over 80 days that i have been able to laugh with you, talk with you, go to you for advice, watch movies with you, hug and kiss you, or cry into your arms which is something i did for 8 months before you left me.

when everything is quiet, when everything is calm, when everyone else is sleeping i lay awake crying or thinking about what you’d be doing. which crossword puzzle you’d be solving, which television show you’d be laughing at. i lay awake and think i can just crawl out of bed at any moment and walk over to your room and talk to you, bother you, or even kiss you goodnight even if i have already done so more than a few times.

no one talks to me only because they know i’ll shoot them down and to be honest i’m tired of hearing the same old shit over and over again. no one knows how i feel. no one understands how hard this is to accept. no one will ever know how close we were. i really have no one to turn to anymore and it’s beginning to get to me. the silence gets to me. the lack of your presence gets to me. how can i move on and be happy when the one person who i’ve shared everything with isn’t here to enjoy it with anymore?

i miss my best friend. i have no one else. i haven’t had anyone in so long i guess i’m going to have to learn to be content while being alone. are you even trying to help me, mom? please….help me.

kocham ciÄ™, matka.

— 8 months ago with 1 note
break me down, shake me up. i’ve had enough.

my biggest passion has turned into what i now despise, however i feel like it’s the only thing that will save me now. i know everyone i’m close to thinks that they can but the reality is no one can help me. you can’t fix the broken, they need to learn to figure it out on their own. here i am again on my own, fighting, like always.

my rant begins here. at the first of the year i’m deleting my profiles on random dating sites so i can quit my bad habits, cold turkey. no more lustful random sex with strangers, alcohol binges, or depression. time to move on and forget. i don’t mean my mother’s death, but everything else i have been still holding onto, which is the idea of being in love or finding love again with someone i once knew. you cannot find love online, but you can’t keep yourself cooped up rotting away either.

"it was better to have known you for a little while then to have never known you at all."

watching a ridiculous amount of lame teen drama television shows have taught me two things, people always leave and yet sometimes they come back or the previous quote above. although they end up with a happy ending and i feel it’s all a big lie but life is short and in time my own happy ending will turn up…or at least i hope so. i should appreciate everything someone i fell head over heels for has taught me, even if they ended up destroying me. so here’s to you fine young gentlemen for throwing me away. you taught me to pick myself back up and find the good in myself again and to be stronger. you have all told me you’d never give up on me and you have. everyone i have met recently keeps telling me the same thing but thanks to all of you, i can’t believe them. however i don’t feel like i need to believe them right now. maybe in time i will meet someone worth believing but it’s just not now.

i used to wish terrible karma upon all of you but i have had a little change of heart so all i can say is i wish you well. i guess i can’t always be so hateful and angry but if it weren’t for you, i wouldn’t be half the person i am today whether it be the mistakes i made for you and the sacrifices i had to deal with to the things you have all taught me, good or bad. so i thank you, even if you are dead or alive.

this is probably something i should have done a long time ago but one of my biggest flaws is holding onto things and holding grudges. i need to break free from it since i am getting older and all this hurt has just been built up inside of me since i was 17 years old. seems kinda pathetic but shit happens.

right now i am planning for a better future for myself and to do things to make myself and make my mother proud of me. although she is not here to physically share them with me but i know she is still watching me and now i can do what i always dreamed of doing, traveling and leaving this dreaded town behind. a co-worker suggested i take a long vacation, which i have been thinking about doing since my mother passed but now it’s going to be a goal for this upcoming new year.

as much as i hate to admit it but being in california last year was a dream come true and as much as i don’t want to go back, i may end up there again to not relive memories but to make new ones and do the things i’ve wanted to do by myself for a very long time. once i return i want to visit new friends and reconnect with old ones. visit family i never met and even stay with a family member i never got the chance to know. i have been assured i won’t run into familiar faces but there’s only a one in a million chance of that happening since it’s such a huge state but if it did, you will be just another face in the crowd and someone i used to know.

all in all, it’s time to let go. let go of everything and just live. i hope everyone else understands why i’m really pushing them away and how it’s for the better. i can’t be a friend, a girlfriend, a sister, or daughter to anyone when i need to be there for myself. i will eventually be myself again but i don’t want anyone to expect much from me because i don’t expect much from myself. all good things must come to an end.

— 10 months ago
people always leave.

what you are about to read has nothing to do with music, music news or anything i intended this page to be about. who ever comes across this and thinks i’m in trouble, i’m not. i’m okay, i’m alive. barely making it but my heart is still pumping, even if it feels like it is nonexistent anymore.

this year has been the worst. this year did not end up the way i hoped as it did the previous year; happy, loved, and more content then ever. i was in good health, my mother was in good health and i felt like i was on top of the world. here’s the story. in january the love i thought i had and shared with someone completely faltered in the blink of an eye after it took years to achieve. i was devastated, shocked, and depressed. i hoped something would have prevailed, or thought it was a love strong enough to overcome any obstacle but i was wrong and was dropped like a gum wrapper in a sewer left alone and to decay. my heart was shattered, my hopes and dreams died and i suddenly wanted nothing that i wanted previously in life. my view on love altered, i knew right then and there that i would be forever alone.

to get over that heart break i began doing things i have done in the past and things i am not proud to admit. my highlights of the first few months were going bar hopping every weekend, drinking more than my body could handle, smoking whatever could be inhaled, and using people for money or whatever i needed to get a smile or even a chuckle. i began meeting men off of free internet dating sites and using them for sex, more money, food, or even a ride to work. i hurt people who mattered most to me and ignored my family. needless to say i was broken and hit a breaking point i never wanted to hit again.

come summer, i felt invincible yet still broken and no matter what i did, i could not get over that heart break. until something hit me that was harder than all that, my mother became ill and i realized i had more important things to attend to then worry about some idiot who wanted nothing to do with me. it took months of recovery for my mother and even for myself. finally she got to come home and i continued to live my life as i wanted, still a little reckless but not as bad as it was in the winter. sleeping around and drugs were the highlight as i tried to still come home to my family and give them my attention and love that no one else deserved.

now for the the even more life shattering turn of events, my mother became ill again in late september that left her to end the struggle and pass away november 3, 2013 at 4:38pm in me and my brothers arms surround by other loved ones from every point of her life. nothing is more crushing than watching someone you love and live for struggle and fight until the end. if you ever lost a parent, NOT someone you are close to but the person who actually gave you life is different than any other experience you may have had. here i am a month later and still shocked, grieving, and in pain i would never wish upon anybody.

my heart is dead. my mind is clouded. my soul is numb. i will never be the same again. the person you may have knew is gone forever and right now i don’t even know who i am. it’s still new and the day it happened still replays in my mind every time i try to sleep. words cannot truly express how i feel and i have shut myself out from the world, from my friends, from other family members and the only thing i can do daily is get up, go to work and come home to sleep. sometimes even sleeping can be a chore.

i don’t know what will happen to me a year from now, where i’ll be or who i will be but truth be told, i will never be the same. i may lose people or gain people but whoever comes by will only see hurt. if you think i was closed off before, i’ll be worse this time around.

to everyone who hurt me this year, thank you.
to my mother, i hope i see you soon. i love you and miss you more every day. i’m sorry if i didn’t give you what you wanted in the end but i promise i will never disappoint you again.

— 10 months ago

Check out Shrapnel’s first release, “They Came, We Saw, They Conquered”. More to come as these guys continue to gather memebers and record. Hope to hear more of them soon.

If you like what you hear, check them out on Facebook for more information.


— 1 year ago
Although Dismember the Fallen released their 6 song E.P. back in May, it is still available for cheap on iTunes, Amazon, or Bandcamp. While you’re at it, check out these Detroit boys make their way through the Metalcore scene one break down at a time.

Although Dismember the Fallen released their 6 song E.P. back in May, it is still available for cheap on iTunes, Amazon, or Bandcamp. While you’re at it, check out these Detroit boys make their way through the Metalcore scene one break down at a time.

— 1 year ago